Connection

[Ilina]

Dear John,

I read your last book, it's great. I started with a more intense meditation practice with the light and Earth energy from EC. For the last three years I have been constantly focused on the observer. When I do not meditate during the day I am constantly present in the body.
A lot has happened in my experience over the last two years.Everything I believed in was collapsed. Starting with my job, relationships, money. There was so much fears, pain, guilt, shame.

What i realize after everything that in one moment my consciousness is open and i'am free from suffering, there is only present moment.

Sometimes that openness is so great that I do not feel myself, i feel only connection with everything. I cant describe that. That opening happens and when I work with people in my workshops (consciouss relationships, parenting, communication...).

What distracts me from the present moment is a black very heavy cloud that I would visually describe as something descending on me and my consciousness returning to a traumatized state. I cant breath from that heavines, somethimes is very hard to be present with that.
It happens when I am with my child as if he is awakening the old trauma in me. Тhe situation in this relationship where I am a single mother looks like my childhood and awakens the same emotional atmosphere.
He tells me that he feels lonely (need connection) and to sit with him, but it is very difficult for me to connect with him in that moments, because and i feel ashame of that to be in connection with other.I am aware that is some part of me who leaves in separation and that is some trauma, fear of realtionship. I' am now aware, that was suptile follow me all my life.

What I feel physically is pressure on the left side of the body, mostly in the lower abdomen and left hip (feminine side) and heals me down in suffering and pain.It also changes my perception of becoming the person I used to be tied to the past, I feel angry to men, unworthy, dont seen etc..Same emotional patterns and thoughts. Like body pattern to feel in that way.At some point I will realize that I am not that and the heavines seems to leave me, the energy in my body moves again and i'am ok to be present with my child and people, but i feel like need to close again.This happening with my close people, especialy men.


Can you tell me something about open and close inner dinamic? Is that separate self?

In which energetic centar is feeling of trust, intimacy and connection? Is second center?

How can I find out where the energy centers are on the body described in your new book?

Thank you so much

[John Ruskan]

What I hear you saying is that you've grown into an elevated state of awareness and openness over the last few years as a result of doing EC work, but that some remaining suppressed trauma still projects itself onto your experience, being primarily triggered by your relationship with your son. When the suppressed trauma is activated, it can also interfere with your relationships with men today. The trauma being triggered prevents you from connecting to your son, bringing up feelings from your childhood where you had a similar experience of being raised by a single parent, and were at times were unable to connect to that parent, feeling lonely and shamed. The trauma being triggered presents itself as a black cloud, and you can feel it physically in your body. At times the suppressed, reactivated trauma seems to subside, and you are able to connect to your son again.

You have a good understanding of the dynamics. All that needs to be done now is to settle back into the work. Recognize that you are being triggered by your son's needs, and then sit with the feelings and apply the EC steps to them. You can work with the body feelings as well as the emotional feelings of shame and loneliness. You can evoke the black cloud and let it trigger the suppressed feelings. Don't be afraid of these negative manifestations, just use them as opportunities to get to the suppressed feelings that need to be released by taking them through the EC process. You're doing good work. As I describe in FEEL 3 in the Deep Clearing book, a regular meditation/breathwork practice will stimulate and bring to the surface trapped feelings to be taken through the steps.

In which energetic center is feeling of trust, intimacy and connection? Is second center? I think you're talking about the Heart Center.

How can I find out where the energy centers are on the body described in your new book? There is a diagram in both books that show the physical locations.