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THE EMOTIONAL CLEARING PROCESS / guilt and blame
« on: June 06, 2019 »
Hi John,
I have a been going through a particularly heavy Pluto transit, (opposition to my Sun/Saturn) which culminates when Pluto is joined by Saturn in December and both will be opposing my Sun/Saturn conjunction. It's been hell.
The stuff that comes up in EC sessions is a lot of guilt, self-hate and hate for my parents. I have re-read the part about Blame and Guilt in your book a few times and I'm still finding it a bit hard. Basically I have been trying to process guilt (I have this belief that my parents's unhappiness is somehow my fault therefore I feel guilty about it) and of course, it is impossible to process guilt, I think I only made it worse.
My question is how do I just drop the blame? I keep oscillating between hating myself for my inability to heal my parents, and the hate I feel for them for abusing me and my brother so much emotionally. It seems so pointless but my mind is so stuck on this. Even when I try to mentally drop the blame my mind says I'm just trying to get out of the responsibility and let myself off the hook when it's clear that I should be suffering for my mistakes. At the same time I don't believe it was possible for a 5 year old to heal her parents so I just feel intense hate towards them for setting me up like that and making me feel like a failure.
I know I must have chosen those parents even though it seems unbelievable to me that I would choose such intense suffering. I try to take responsibility for how I feel, does that mean processing the hate I feel for them? I realise it's my hate, coming from the inside, just getting triggered by my parents and their behaviour. I find it hard to process that as well as I feel I would be letting them off the hook. But what's more I feel that by processing my hate I will open myself up to more abuse because the hate acts as a boundary at the moment.
It's easy for me to process emotions, my chart is practically 75% water and 25% earth, but the mental parts, where you are supposed to just drop the blame are very hard. My mind likes to twist things, makes me doubt everything and always finds reasons why it's always right. Do you have any advice how to work with the mind?
With Pluto messing with me so much I think this is the time to finally address the guilt.
Aleks
I have a been going through a particularly heavy Pluto transit, (opposition to my Sun/Saturn) which culminates when Pluto is joined by Saturn in December and both will be opposing my Sun/Saturn conjunction. It's been hell.
The stuff that comes up in EC sessions is a lot of guilt, self-hate and hate for my parents. I have re-read the part about Blame and Guilt in your book a few times and I'm still finding it a bit hard. Basically I have been trying to process guilt (I have this belief that my parents's unhappiness is somehow my fault therefore I feel guilty about it) and of course, it is impossible to process guilt, I think I only made it worse.
My question is how do I just drop the blame? I keep oscillating between hating myself for my inability to heal my parents, and the hate I feel for them for abusing me and my brother so much emotionally. It seems so pointless but my mind is so stuck on this. Even when I try to mentally drop the blame my mind says I'm just trying to get out of the responsibility and let myself off the hook when it's clear that I should be suffering for my mistakes. At the same time I don't believe it was possible for a 5 year old to heal her parents so I just feel intense hate towards them for setting me up like that and making me feel like a failure.
I know I must have chosen those parents even though it seems unbelievable to me that I would choose such intense suffering. I try to take responsibility for how I feel, does that mean processing the hate I feel for them? I realise it's my hate, coming from the inside, just getting triggered by my parents and their behaviour. I find it hard to process that as well as I feel I would be letting them off the hook. But what's more I feel that by processing my hate I will open myself up to more abuse because the hate acts as a boundary at the moment.
It's easy for me to process emotions, my chart is practically 75% water and 25% earth, but the mental parts, where you are supposed to just drop the blame are very hard. My mind likes to twist things, makes me doubt everything and always finds reasons why it's always right. Do you have any advice how to work with the mind?
With Pluto messing with me so much I think this is the time to finally address the guilt.
Aleks