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THE EMOTIONAL CLEARING PROCESS / New in the forum

« on: July 24, 2019 »

Hi, thanks to John for his book. I got it 8 years ago when I was in crisis. It helped a lot to understand duality and to accept the dark. My Jungian readings about integrating shadow and anima also helped. I understood I was not so human as I thought. I was also very moralist. I expected from Woman, things I could not give. I think I desired other woman and projected it into woman. I got married afterwards. I had around 19 years of beeing in 12 step groups and stoped going to regular meetings. One year ago I left the company I was a manager and shareholder. I decided to fast and go into meditation as I knew things could get tough and the answers would be inside. On December I could not pay the apartment anymore and my wife abruptly moved to her mothers house. I did have a client who payed me some money. The emotional ups and down started and I became insecure, and started having jealousy attacks. It was a tough and sad Christmas separated from her and my 8 and 5 year daughters. I started meditating Eckhart Tolles Videos. I started to breath at the beggining of the year and started to make short catharsis in the form of crying. I started a new project at a lake and started to go 3 days to the lake house to breath on the chakras, doing Yoga positions. The emotional catharsis got more intense and I could even cry simple breathing lightly while driving my car. Jealousy started incrementing. I managed to talk about it with my wife and she did not take it how I expected. I then moved in with her to her mothers house, and slowed down breathing exercises. She left with one of her clients to a business trip to another country and I suffered major emotional crisis, crying and feeling jealous and betrayed. I managed to keep quite quiet about  it. A couple of days after she returned, I got facial paralysis. I thought I had been to intense in my breathing so I consulted wth a friend who is a rebirthing therapist and he said I should keep breathing and he gave me 10 free rebirthing session during my facial paralysis. I did some acupuncture, neurologist gave me some quemicals (not downers nor mood changing drugs). My paralysis was at the end of May. I am almost 100% recovered. I have not been able to produce one dollar even thou I have worked for some hours. I am confronting all my issues about money and feeling poor, and not been able to give to my wife. Not beeing man enough. I have started breathing again and have noticed my big fear of divorce and of beeing cheated and life ending, and I even fear my destructive instincts of when I was an addict. I feel the pain of the idea of divorce is like dying. It ignited the fear of dying. I feel that in my second Chakra, I am still moralist and feel afraid of my sexual instincts and of creating a new business. Maybe I am confronting my pain and frustration of all the projects I have started and failed in. In my solar Chakra I have managed to accept the impotence of not beeing able to know the truth of what my wife does and if she is cheating on me, and I feel the impotence of not being able to control her and make her be as I want her to be. I have also connected with the feeling of separation in my heart chakra, and of not being understood, and not being able to reach her. Today I breathed on the Chakras. Afterwards I cried and cried and talked with my grandmother who is dead and said I needed her, her unconditional love. I feel that I can't distinguish what is real or not real of jealousy, and I have a hint this is what Jung would call integrating negative anima. Sometimes I feel that I am going through a great process, but sometimes I feel I getting lost and not beeing able to function in the practical things of life. Anyways, I just wanted to reach out, as I feel lonely, without support. I am going to my AA meeting at this moment. I recently started going again. I feel some shame of sharing this with all of you, but this is me. I can also say, I feel I am awakening in the form Eckhart Tolle mentions, I know I have to desidentify myself from my feeling and thoughts, and know I am not them. I am the consciousness where they occur. I read you later.