Addictive relationship and abandonment

[Ilina]

Dear John,

Thank you for your expresion in this world.Your work is very practical and deep.
I'am sorry for my english grammar.I have question about pain and openess.

I find that i am very addictive to my 11 years son.I am single mother. Your work help me to see some dinamics in our relationship, especially with his father.His bad relationship with his father and my worry about it is procejtion of my fear of abandonment or loneliness.
When i was 14 years my mother was die and i worked on that trauma very long time.There is pain, fear of abandonment and loneliness.
Every time when i work on integration my son is sick, he got temperature, diarea or something is happening in school.I see in this that in same time emotional clearing is happening in both of us. I see that he is my other guru, who show me from what i want to escape. It's very hard to me, especialy when i started to see my inner proceses.

What i see in myself is that fear of abandonment who repeated in my realtionship starts from my birth. My father never come to see me and that dinamics is happening with my son and my ex husband.In this case with my son is not so same, but feeling of abandonment is here and i feel so much pain. I was feel anger, rage, shame, but with your teaching i see that emotions like secondary. I feel deep in my emotional body so much fear about him, but i know that is my projection.

In other side from this pain i find repressed creativity in me. I start to painting like profesional artist, before i never do that. But when i open myself to that intensive energy, who is intensive love,  next day i feel fear and need to control reality, especialy  my son. I dont do that, but i see that needs, fears and posessions.

*In all this process i feel left side of my body is so active in feeling, somethimes is overstimulated when i go through process of emotions. Is that right brain?

My questions is:

Can you tell me about this corelation of pain and openness?

If parents work on emotions from family karmic dinamics , can help to free childrens?

Can you give me advice about core feelings? Where can i give attention on fear or loneliness?

Thank you so much

[John Ruskan]

You’re doing very well in understanding the psycho-dynamics. I agree that the abandonment was brought with you into this life and has manifested with your husband and now your son. Also, it's excellent that you are aware that you tend towards an addictive relationship with your son. You project your feelings of abandonment on him, and then become attached / addicted to him in order to resolve the feelings. This is the first step of becoming aware of your deeper feelings and then taking responsibility for them.

After you have a good day of creating art, next day you rebound into the negative. This happens because most of us are still operating on an emotional dualistic level. Our good feelings tend to get balanced by the negative, and if we are deluded into thinking that all we need to do is totally immerse ourselves in any practice that seems to lift us up, and if we become addicted to that practice, we tend to strongly create the negative rebound experience. The way out is to make sure you're not escaping into the art, or using it to suppress the negative, and then just welcome the negative as part of the total experience. As you process both sides, you transcend, which is the goal. I talk about this more in my book 'Emotion and Art.'

Yes, the left side of the body corresponds to the right brain.

Not sure what you mean by 'pain and openness.' Maybe I already answered that.

As you work on yourself, you affect everyone who is close to you. There is usually an unconscious dependant energetic alignment between people that maintains any relationship. As you heal yourself, the other person is no longer able to perceive you the same way, and their attitude towards you is forced to change as well. But this doesn’t mean the other person is necessarily healed. Suppose your son has an unconscious tendency to be attached to you for some psychological reason we don't have to speculate about for now. If you no longer are available for him on a dependant psychic level, because you have transcended your addictive tendency, he may just find someone else to take your place, like a girlfriend for instance.

I think you are on the mark with the core feelings. Abandonment in the heart is the core feeling. The anger, fear, and shame are important as well, but we refer to them as first-level feelings. They need to be processed, but the abandonment is the core that is most important. When the abandonment is released, the others will naturally subside as well.

You're doing great work!

[Ilina]

Thank you so much.

I will change name of the topic, because i start with one idea , but when i start to writing something diferent was come to my mind.

Yes, core feelings is abandonment, especialy from men.In this case is my son.Unconsciously i see him like just one man who can leave me and i will exerience abandonment again.  I see that so clearly now.

I want to tell you just one more thing...In a very strange way I came to your teaching. I had your book maybe 7 years but i put it at the bottom of the closet. I never read it. Above the book was a lot of documents and other books. A month ago automatically without knowing what I'm looking for, I opened the closet and put my hand under all those papers and pulled out your book. At that moment I sat down to read and realized that was what I needed.
Everything we need is always here.

I'am wokring in the field of personal development and i will come soon to your profesional training.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart