Embodying shame

[jude.alexander]

Hi John

I have re-read your emotional clearing book after some years as well as your new book on my kindle over the past few months after contemplating the idea of becoming a counsellor. I'm also looking into your EC facilitator course which looks very interesting. Your ideas are extraordinary and very intricate. It is clear to see you are a very deep thinker much like myself.

I was watching a Gabor Maté documentary: the wisdom of trauma yesterday after watching his book launch online and I had quite a potent thought come to me. A lot of it is set inside a jail and documents the pasts of inmates. These scenes are made to emphasize the effects of childhood trauma, in particularly being physically beaten as a child. A women asked all inmates that had been beaten as a child by a parent to step forward, to which probably 90% them stepped forward. The exercise was supposed to allow them to get rid of some guilt and to maybe generate some self compassion and see their wrongdoings from a newer, kinder perspective. What I admired about the scene was that the mediators of the exercise showed all of the inmates (some who were in for murder and other violent crimes) nothing but compassion and love in spite of their crimes. You could tell they were all incredibly damaged individuals who, for the most part, under their masks, were pure hearted.

After watching the documentary, I started thinking about how even though they were met with love and compassion by Gabor Maté's team, they wouldn't receive anywhere near the same level of kindness in the outside world after being released. No matter how much they are able to 'repent' or embrace a new life path, for example, a spiritual/religious one, the stain of their past will most probably always remain and they won't be able to avoid being painted with that same brush for the rest of their lives. This is especially relevant with serious crimes like murder or sexual crimes such a rape or domestic violence. Once that is the case, it obviously isn't possible to live a normal life and some would argue the potential to ever be truly happy and content with oneself is impossible. You see this in the media when 'celebrities' are found guilty of crimes- it completely derails their careers (in certain cases, rightly so) and public image forever and they are constantly shamed online.

In these circumstances, do you not think it would be much harder to step back and witness your feelings or see them as projections? The shame that is pushed on criminals makes it practically impossible for them to not embody that feeling. Also, surely you can't meditate and feel at peace when you know that the circumstance you find yourself in is very real and can't be distanced from. Sometimes when meditating I try to picture how it would feel if I were to go blind or lose my limbs, as weird as it might sound, just to see if I would truly be able to find inner peace if, god forbid, those situations were to ever happen. Because wouldn't that be true unconditional self love? Whenever I try this, it gets too painful to bear and I just end up feeling overwhelmed and thanking god that I have not been given such a heavy load, but then I also think "there are people out there that have to deal with these misfortunes everyday and cannot simply thank god for their blessings and ruminate gratitude because those blessings simply don't exist for them". I know spirituality is about not over identifying with your physical body or ego, but that is much easier said than done and the ones preaching this message often have never been in a situation as serious as the ones I have mentioned.

Going back to the original comment, I remember reading somewhere in your book that you don't agree with criminals being shamed and that they should instead be met with rehabilitation. Do you think that some crimes are indeed completely void of the opportunity for forgiveness and that shame is just something they will have to become accustomed to for the rest of their lives? Or not?
I know most people in the world are oblivious to spiritual principles as well as what leads a person to commit crimes, so the idea that forgiveness can even come into the equation is unfathomable.

Thank you John. I hope you don't mind sharing some insights.

Kind Regards
Jude

[John Ruskan]

I talk about shame in the Deep Clearing book, although I don't go too deeply into it. I regard shame as similar to guilt and blame. I see it as an involuntary emotional-mental reaction to deeper core feelings, not a core feeling in itself that needs to be processed. Certainly it's possible to be coerced into shame or guilt, but if one is able to grasp the principles of EC work and develop an inner-focused meditative practice, accessing and releasing core feelings, I believe shame, guilt, and blame will be transcended, regardless of the nature or intensity of the traumatic karmic experience. With clients, I tell them to put the shame aside and go to the first-level emotions and then the core feelings related to the incident. I don't usually regard shame as a built-up suppressed emotion that needs to be processed, but if it is especially severe, some processing time can be allotted to it, stepping back and witnessing. Since shame is not primarily a suppressed core feeling that needs processing, it can be treated to a certain extent by cognitive interventions as well - understanding that regrettable actions were the result of childhood trauma, etc.

[Ila]

Taking this thread slightly off topic but what would a core feeling outside of shame be? 

I stumbled on John’s latest book today (thank God) and have devoured it and even attempted to sit with some feelings.  What is becoming quickly apparent to me is that I’m “feeling-illiterate. “ Based on what I’ve read so far that means I’m out of touch with my body which makes sense.  I can feel feelings but it’s like those typically identified as negative all feel the same and I struggle labeling them.   

I have major work to do and more reading (I’m on page 79)… but I’m wondering how important labeling the feeling is when working with it?  Can I witness a feeling when I can’t properly identify it?  Should I take a step back and learn about feelings to work with them properly?  That likely sounds funny but when you dodge them long enough you don’t really get to know them. 

And, John… huge thanks for writing your books.  Ignoring feelings has been disastrous, mantras haven’t felt authentic, attempts to put a positive spin on feelings has compounded issues.

Everything I’ve read so far in Deep Clearing resonates so deeply.  Thank you!