Blame is a common way of rejecting ourselves. We blame
because we want to avoid responsibility. When we blame any person, object,
or circumstance for our experience, we essentially become blind to reality.
Self-acceptance is impossible, and we simmer in self-rejection. This includes
blaming ourselves, which is called guilt, a special form of self-rejection.
Blame is essentially the same as complaining.
Blame is so common that it is seldom questioned. It
is almost a form of bonding ritual among certain people to blame somebody
for something every time they speak. If you want to support your friend,
you support their blame. People blame their job, various authority figures,
the government, the economy – the list is endless. Blame can be the
common element that binds spouses, lovers, or partners together. When I
encounter a person who is heavily into blame, I almost feel as if I am watching
a stand-up comic routine.
People who are intelligent and educated believe that
their spouses do things that make them furious. Or their children. Or their
employees or boss. These are all cases of projected emotion. There is no
reason to assume that whatever triggered your emotion was the cause. You
just took that opportunity to bring up your feelings.
Self-work is not possible
when blame exists
In Eastern philosophy, a person is considered unconscious
when into blame, becoming conscious when moving past blame and understanding
the true cause of the problem. As we have discussed at length, the person
is the cause. Understanding this does not eliminate the problem; it just
means that work can begin.
When we take responsibility for our feelings, we begin
to make significant headway toward inner healing, but the difficulty is
that even when we intellectually own our experience, we continue to unconsciously
blame. We remain stuck in self-rejection, preventing true acceptance, integration,
and release of negativity. One of the essential challenges of any therapy
is getting past unconscious blame.
The final, and possibly most important realization
about blame is that, when we are blaming, we give up our right to autonomy.
We are slaves to the other if the other is really responsible for what we
are feeling; we have no self-determination in the most vital sense. When
we finally take responsibility for our feelings and what happens to us,
we are obviously no longer being controlled by agencies outside ourselves.
We cease giving our power away to others. Taking responsibility means that
we control our own destiny. We are no longer the victim.
